Most of the day if I am not in denial, I am thinking about you.

I wonder what will happen when you change your mind. If this will be different, if this could be better but then I remember why this happened in the first place, that you don’t want to be with me. That you have doubts and that I’m in your eyes am not good enough.

That is when things begin to hurt. That you are sitting there online doing you thing laughing and joking and thinking oh this is easy when really I wish it wasn't.

I, on the other hand don’t know what to do with myself. Sometimes I am fine but now in the midst of all this confusion, I feel like my insides are dying. I feel like I can’t breathe and that this feeling is never going to go away. I have a lump in my throat that I can’t get rid of. I thought the tears would take it away.

More than anything it is just embarrassing. To have to tell people once again that this amazing guy that you started dating AGAIN, has let you down again. And people give you that “I’m sorry” look but they don’t know that is it taking every single cell in your entire body to stop you from either crying, throwing up or lashing out because you just feel that miserable at that moment.
But what I can’t get over most of all and this is above everything, is that I don’t hate you, not even a little. You said you were upset the other day about this and it made me upset that you were feeling bad. I want you to feel bad but more than that I want me to be mad and hate you. But I can’t all I think is that when I see you, I will get a big hug and everything will be okay. But it never really will again.