Sometimes I am only me. The only person who can be me and do the things I need to do.

It's a strange feeling when you feel that you are drowning in your own things. Like your life that is your house is suddenly crashing in on you and you can't talk about it out loud. That would be acknowledgment that maybe you are not in control. So maybe you know why I don't talk about it because it's heavy. So maybe give me some time and lift up one of your bricks in the process.

I'm finished for now

I have thought many times about what to say to him or about him but nothing I say can truly achieve the true meaning of what I feel.

I could show you pictures of beautiful, natural and unexplainable things but they wouldn’t suffice. I can write words with enormous meanings that would disclose a portion of what I truly feel. They say actions speak louder than words but in terms of him no actions would show what he has brought to my life.

I would cry if I thought tears would bring explanations or smile if that enthusiasm would tell you the tale.

So I look at him and in him for he is the only one who has been in this same place that I am. It is he who knows that the choices I have made and lived with. He knows what will happen and where we go from here.

Most of the day if I am not in denial, I am thinking about you.

I wonder what will happen when you change your mind. If this will be different, if this could be better but then I remember why this happened in the first place, that you don’t want to be with me. That you have doubts and that I’m in your eyes am not good enough.

That is when things begin to hurt. That you are sitting there online doing you thing laughing and joking and thinking oh this is easy when really I wish it wasn't.

I, on the other hand don’t know what to do with myself. Sometimes I am fine but now in the midst of all this confusion, I feel like my insides are dying. I feel like I can’t breathe and that this feeling is never going to go away. I have a lump in my throat that I can’t get rid of. I thought the tears would take it away.

More than anything it is just embarrassing. To have to tell people once again that this amazing guy that you started dating AGAIN, has let you down again. And people give you that “I’m sorry” look but they don’t know that is it taking every single cell in your entire body to stop you from either crying, throwing up or lashing out because you just feel that miserable at that moment.
But what I can’t get over most of all and this is above everything, is that I don’t hate you, not even a little. You said you were upset the other day about this and it made me upset that you were feeling bad. I want you to feel bad but more than that I want me to be mad and hate you. But I can’t all I think is that when I see you, I will get a big hug and everything will be okay. But it never really will again.

blub blub blub
If I don't stop crying I am going to be pissed.

You make me feel like I shouldn't be happy
that I shouldn't want to tell everyone
that I shouldn't be the potential I have to be because it scares you.
Well maybe not doing that scares me and maybe i will have to do it without you.

Because this is not just about you

What am I supposed to do?

I can't make this alright,
I can't make it less weird,
and i can't do this by myself.

You choose to make me feel like I am wrong,
but this is the way I feel.
I will not change for you nor should I have too.

You should except that things are going to be difficult, nothing is easy or it wouldn't be worth it.

I am worth it...
I am worth uncomfortable,
I am worth weird,
I am worth more than you think I am.

If you don't soon realize that... you will know it when I leave.